Anti-Grumbling Marriage

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            Life’s little irritations can make or break us. How we choose to deal with them affects our mates and marriages. It determines our level of contentedness.

            Years ago people dressed their salads with oil and vinegar and homemade dressings. Homemakers were delighted when ready-made dressings became available in stores and were awed to have several choices. Fast forward to 2013 where salad dressings take up one third of a grocery store aisle. Options for flavors, brands, and sizes abound.

Courtesy of buythecase.com

Courtesy of buythecase.com

            I like Ken’s Country French dressing. It was often unavailable at the local stores I shopped so when I’d spot it, I’d buy several bottles at a time to hold me over a dry spell. The dry spells got longer and longer until it had been so long I began to wonder if it was still being made. Yet I look each time I go to any grocery store. And grumble as I have to select from one of the hundred and forty-two other choices available.

            But I don’t want Seven Seas, Paul Newman or Kraft – I want Ken’s. And not Ken’s Ranch, Vinaigrette, or Italian. It has to be Ken’s Country French. It’s special. It has a touch of honey in it. So I keep looking at every grocery store. And I keep getting disappointed.

            You’re probably already tired of me whining. I hear you thinking: “So squirt some honey in one of the other brands and get on with your life for Pete’s sake. It’s salad dressing – how much time are you going to spend on such a petty issue?!”

            Not very attractive, is it?

            Let’s look at some of the things we grumble about at home. Clothes left on the floor?  Toothpaste cap off? Toilet seat up? Anything that can finish this sentence:  “I have told you a hundred times to/not to [fill in the blank].

            Now rate this recurring issue on a scale of one to ten where ten is “life changing” and one is “I usually forget about it within a few minutes.” Then ask yourself these questions:

1.       Has my grumbling about this issue changed my mate’s behavior?

2.      Can I list three things I love about my mate that far outweigh this issue?

And, if you’re really brave ask yourself:

3.       Is there something I do that annoys my mate that I have no intention of doing different?

Nobody’s asking you to stop grumbling cold turkey – that might throw your body into shock. Wean yourself. Next time the annoying event happens, count to three before reacting. Increase that count a little each time it happens. You will eventually count high enough to forget why you’re counting and what you almost grumbled about.

Let me start us off. I’ll stop grumbling about not being able to get Ken’s Country French dressing and start appreciating available options. But if you happen to spot it somewhere, will you pick me up a bottle or two?

 Have a tip to help squelch grumbling? Please share it in the comment section below.

 

                       

Marriage – 4 Things We Did Better in the 1950s

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            It was a simpler time – a gentler time. The good old days. Oh sure, life wasn’t perfect in the 1950s. Marriage wasn’t perfect in the 1950s – in spite of what was portrayed on programs like Father Knows Best and The

Courtesy of classictvprogram.com

Courtesy of classictvprogram.com

Donna Reed Show. But there was some good stuff there that we can borrow to have more meaningful relationships in 2013. Here are 4 oldies but goodies from the 1950s:

1.    1.     Dressing up for our mates.  It was an era when women made sure their eyebrows were on before the morning lights were on. My mother told me that she would tie her hair back every night with a ribbon that matched her nightwear so she would look pretty when she went to bed. Now I’m not sure how long that lasted, because I don’t remember seeing a lot of matching morning ribbons when I came down for breakfast in the 1970s, but it seemed to be a point of pride for her for however long it lasted. How many of us freshen up before our spouse walks in the door? It only takes minutes for a quick shave, a spritz of cologne, or just losing the shirt with the baby splash on it. Spiffing up for our mates does indeed make us spiffy!

2.     2.   Connecting at dinner. Eating at the kitchen table with the TV off and phones out of reach. Does anybody besides me remember the embarrassment of having a parent answer the phone during the evening meal and stating to your caller – that special someone  you’d been trying to impress – that phone calls aren’t allowed during dinner? Now that I am on the other side of that humiliation, I fondly recall the interesting dinner conversations we had and the clear connection between my parents. Plug in to each other during meal time instead of your iPod.   

  3.       

Courtesy of donnareed.com

Courtesy of donnareed.com

3.  Turning the TV back on. You’ve seen the pictures – usually in black and white – of a family grouped around the TV, the same eager look on each face. The reason everyone is excited is because it was a novelty.  We can recreate that anticipation and elevate our TV-watching experience by leaving it off most of the time and coming together to watch something special – something we both look forward to seeing. It transforms the mundane into an event.

4.     4.  Sharing root beer floats. Nothing like good root beer with a generous scoop of foaming ice cream to give us a fifteen-minute trip back in time while enjoying each other’s company.  But what about the calories in that sweet mini-retreat? Well, you know what they say – the couple who has ice cream floats together should take a walk together afterward. Yeah – more bonding time!

I know life wasn’t perfect in the 1950s.  Father probably didn’t always know best and Donna Reed likely lost the pearls as soon as she was off the set. But from bygone eras we can resurrect some of those simple gestures and practices that enhance our time with our mates and lets them know they are appreciated.

Do you incorporate old-fashioned simple pleasures into your relationship or have an idea how to do so? Tell us about it in the comment section below.

Celebrate Your Child’s Mom – 5 Mother’s Day Gifts There’s Still Time to Find

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                 If you have already assisted your child in making his mom a beautiful one-of-a-kind art project for Mother’s Day – maybe something that included spray-painted macaroni or a colorful handprint on a paper plate – know that you are not done. Oh sure, you get brownie points for helping your child have a gift for mom, but it is, after all, his gift. And you might actually lose a brownie point or two if you put a ribbon on it and leave the child with the expectation that Mom will hang it from the rearview mirror in her car.

            I hear you grumbling about how I should have told you this sooner instead of three days before Mother’s Day. But don’t despair – there is still time to put together a meaningful, thoughtful gift to celebrate the woman you love. Here are five suggestions:

1.     Surprise her. Contact somebody who is very special to her and set up a phone call from that dear person at an arranged time. Now be creative here – the thoughtful gesture looses all its oomph if it comes from someone she talks to on a regular basis. Think special buddy from high school, college, or the old neighborhood. Or that kid she was like a second mother to. Or that sibling that she only talks to once or twice a year because she lives overseas. You get the idea!          Bonus points: You bring her a favorite beverage while she’s on the phone.

2.      Inspire her. Put together a collection of sayings to inspire her. If she has a favorite hobby, cause, or activity, Google that topic with “inspirational sayings” or just “sayings.” If she has a favorite author, Google that name rolled sheetwith “quotes.” The same can be done with lines from songs of a favorite musician, artist, or poet. If you don’t have a favorite entity to focus on, look up inspirational sayings in general – you will find plenty to choose from! Print the sayings out on nice paper and either roll up and tie with a ribbon or cut them into 3×5 pieces and put them in an old-fashioned photo album – either makes a nice presentation.         Bonus points: The sayings have nothing to do with losing weight, eating healthy, or exercising more.

3.      Splurge on her. If you want the celebration to last longer than the day, consider one of the gift-of-the month clubs. Some items that can be purchased this way include flowers, cheese, fruit, coffee, cookies and spa or gardening selections. Most programs give an option of 3, 6, 9 and 12 months to suit varying budgets. You can print off the on-line page you order from and wrap it in a small gift box to present to her on Sunday. She will enjoy the monthly gifts as they come in and be reminded each time of what a thoughtful mate you are!      Bonus points: This is her favorite flower or food – not yours.

4.      Honor her. Sort through old photos or pictures still in the camera and find that special shot – the one that captures a precious mom-moment or her in a proud pose. Find a unique frame (hobby stores like Michaels or Hobby Lobby usually have excellent options at affordable prices) to present it in.      Bonus points: The shot is a flattering.

5.      Pamper her.  Purchase a set of plush towels  just for her with matching wash cloth, face towel and bath towel.  Not just a bath towel – we’re talking a bath sheet.  Something cushy to embrace her as she steps out of the bath or shower. In addition to any department store, high end sets can be a good deal at discount stores like Tuesday Morning.         Bonus points: It matches the bathroom décor.

     Any of these options can be found and put together in the next day or so – thus, giving you plenty of time to present that meaningful gift to your loved one on Sunday.  She will be wowed – and rightfully so – at your thoughtfulness and creativity!

Do you have any suggestions for last-minute Mother’s Day gifts that don’t look last-minute? Please share in the comment section below.

Introverted, But Not Shy – Does Your Mate Need Space?

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Does your spouse seem to hibernate every once in a while? Does your husband wander off by himself or unexpectedly shun socializing with people he usually enjoys? Does your normally chatty wife frantically wave her hand while mouthing “I’m not here” when you try to hand her the phone, leaving you to make a lame excuse on her behalf?

If events like this happen periodically and they are not connected bigstock-newspaper-in-nature-26343218to changing life events or an argument, don’t take it personally – maybe your mate just needs some space.

A couple of years ago I was driving back from a conference with writing-buddy Sonia Gensler, telling her about how I just got on the other side of my semi-annual funk. About every six months or so I have a two or three day period wherein I withdraw socially, avoid phone calls and ignore emails. I never knew what brought it on or how to characterize it. I didn’t feel depressed and had no problem getting out of bed and being productive in an enjoyable way – I just didn’t want to be around people.

Sonia nodded and said: “You’re an introvert like me.” She was as blasé as if she had just stated the obvious fact that we both have brown hair. I’m quite sure my jaw dropped and I looked at her like she had just sprouted a second head.

Me? An introvert? I’m one that would be voted most likely to plop myself down at a table full of strangers, introduce myself and end up with a new pal and a lunch date twenty minutes later. As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much how I had connected with Sonia six years prior.

“Have you met me, woman?”

That’s when I got educated about what being introverted means. To my surprise, being an introvert had nothing to do with being shy. Introverts can be shy, but being shy doesn’t make one an introvert. Psychologist Carol Bainbridge provides this simple definition: “Basically an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around others.”

In contrast, she defines an extrovert as one who is energized by being around others. So an outgoing person may be an extrovert, but being outgoing does not make one an extrovert. The difference between the two is simply how we go about recharging our batteries.

Light bulb! I didn’t have ‘funks’ – I had recharging sessions (whew!)

Understanding the dynamics of these two types of personalities can help us to better meet the needs of our mates. Do we need to give them some space periodically to recharge so that they can enter social situations with more enjoyment?

On the flip side, if we’re married to an extrovert, do we need to cooperate and be supportive of the activities that replenish their energy?

Understanding the introvert versus extrovert dynamic can help us depersonalize our mate’s behavior. Her wanting to be alone for a day doesn’t mean she’s shunning him, pouting, or being hormonal. Him wanting to go to a party where they will know few people doesn’t mean he’s being insensitive to her insecurities about being around strangers. If we realize it’s not personal and focus on what the need is of the other at a given point in time, we may both end up  replenished and in sync.

Does the introvert/extrovert dynamic affect your relationship? Let us know how you deal with it in the comment section below.

Marital Spats – Why it’s Crucial that YOU get the Last Word!

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                It is crucial to have the last word in a marital tiff.  It’s control. It’s power. We all know that the one who speaks last wins. The Last Word Road Sign with dramatic clouds and sky.

            The following conversation really took place. I have removed the real names of the speakers. Not to protect anybody – I just didn’t have the time or space to put in the name of each and every person who has participated in a version of this dialogue.

            YOU:               You always have to have the last word.

            SPOUSE:         No I don’t – you do.

            YOU:               There you go again – just stop talking.

            SPOUSE:        No – you stop talking. You’re not making  

                                     any sense anyway.

            YOU:               Fine. I am done talking to you.

            SPOUSE:        Good, because I’m sick of hearing you talk.

YOU:               See? You always have to say just one more thing.

                          You can’t stand  not having the last word.

            SPOUSE:        No, you’re the one who has to say just one more

                                     thing.

                                                And so it goes.

You want to win this spat? Do you want to ensure that yours are the last words – the words that end the argument? Here are two options:

Say “I’m sorry” or “You’re right.”

Either choice is very likely to end the conversation. Either choice is likely to result in two winners.

Know any other argument enders? Let us know in the comments section below.

 

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10 Ways to Impress Your Family Law Judge

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Your family law attorney has given you plenty of tips about how to behave in court – keep your cool, let him do the talking unless you are asked a question, dress conservatively. Really? How is that mundane behavior going to get the judge to notice you? And if she doesn’t notice you, however will she know that you are the bigstock-Eye-Monster-6675862righteous one and that your spouse is not to be believed on any given subject? Following are sure-fire ways to get yourself noticed by the judge.

  1. Wear a hat. If you’re female, make sure it has moving parts to keep the judge’s eye on you – a feather or something that sparkles. Don’t worry about not being taken seriously, it’s about being seen. If you’re male, make sure you wait until you are invited to remove your hat before doing so – this will serve the dual purpose of putting the judge in his place with an initial show of disrespect as well as allow all to admire your hat-hair-look for the rest of the proceeding.
  2. Display your righteousness. Enter the courtroom with a (large) bible tucked under your arm, wear a military uniform, or clip on law enforcement emblems so the judge can tell immediately which one of the parties is the good one. [Note: if you opt for a bedazzled “Jesus Loves Judges” T-shirt, you may skip the hat suggestion in number one.]
  3. Express your individuality. This is very helpful if righteous-wear isn’t available. Wear distinctive make-up (think streetwalker here) and prominently display tattoos. Show as many body piercings as is legally possible in a public forum. Now’s a great time to let the world know about your tongue stud. In spite of your garbled speech and the fact that the judge is distracted by pondering how you can talk at all with that in your mouth, you will impress more than just the court with your creative expression.
  4. One word: cleavage. The more you show the clearer you can get your message across to the judge that you know darn well they don’t pay attention to the law when they make their decisions. And this isn’t just for women. Man-cleavage will not only get you noticed, it will get your image burned into the brain of more than one court attendee long after the proceeding is over.
  5. Assist the judge in recognizing when the other side is being an idiot. Accomplish this by rolling your eyes, sighing loudly and shaking your head vigorously as necessary. If the judge misses these subtle clues, try a loud snort during the other side’s testimony.
  6. Interrupt the judge while he’s speaking. While the tips in number 5 can also be used if you disagree with the judge, a more effective option would be to actually interrupt. This will show that you aren’t afraid to take charge or assert yourself whether or not it makes sense to do so.
  7. Keep the focus on yourself when it is not your turn to speak. Tapping a pen against a notebook, loudly drumming your fingernails, cleaning out your purse or wallet might be just the little clue the judge needs to realize how boring the other side’s story is.
  8. Prove that you are a free-thinker not constrained by rules and regs. Pull out your cell-phone and start texting. Want to get some real attention? Actually make a call, hold up a finger to the judge while murmuring importantly: “I have to take this.”
  9. Demonstrate that you have more on the ball than the other side’s attorney. If he is asking you questions on cross examination, be evasive – make him work for every response. Shoot some questions back at him: “Where do you live?” and “Why do you think I would say that?” This technique can be employed directly with the judge if she is nosy enough to ask you her own questions.
  10. Magnify the drama. Surprised? Gasp loudly. Upset? Sob noisily (don’t worry about real tears, this is all about emoting). Angry? Slam a fist on the table. Don’t like the result? Stomp out of the courtroom letting the doors slam behind you. [Note: if the doors are the type that swing closed quietly, you may need to kick something on the way out to get the same audio effect.]

You now have all the tools you need to have your family law judge remember your colorful self. Using any of these tools assists the judge in making their final decision. When it comes time for the judge to decide which parent should have primary custody or which party is more credible in their presentation of the facts, you have made it easy for the judge to choose between you and the predictable stability and mundane respectfulness of the other side.

Do you have any other ideas to impress a family law judge? Please share them in the comment section below.

Date Your Mate – For Free! (Part 2)

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So how is the mate-dating going? Did you try out any of the free options in last month’s Date Your Mate article? Or any of the great ideas shared in the comment section? Well, whether you’re a slow-starter and looking for more options bigstock-romantic-dinner-date-5704986before you get rolling or a savvy dater who already exhausted last month’s suggestions, here are more ideas to follow the advice of experts and date your mate – for free!

  • Local Photography/Art Shows. If you’re looking for something a little more sophisticated than a hotel’s (one day only!) starving artist’s sale or meandering around Sam’s hitting all the free samples, this option might be for you. You can locate shows by checking the art section in your local newspaper, putting yourself on the mailing list for local galleries, inquiring with someone in the art or photography departments at nearby colleges and universities, as well as internet searches. Often such shows have light refreshments and complimentary wine (bonus!).
  • Learn something new together. There are so many possibilities here that you could stay dated-up for a year just by checking out a few.

All Things Food – call gourmet food or cookware stores to see what scheduled demonstrations are coming up. Or check out videos from your local library. Oh sure – the food you cook has a cost to it, but you were going to eat anyway – it might as well be that impressive dish with the new ingredient you just learned about!

Crafts/Projects – I see the guys wincing as scrapbooking images loom large. And hobby stores are a good place to check out free classes. But did you know hardware stores often offer free classes/demonstrations in things like tiling,building a deck or sandbox, using new tools and gardening ideas? Now is that a dream date or what??

Languages – Whether you check out selections from your library video section or tape classes from educational TV, this is an option that has you meeting on a regular basis, bonding over homework, and motivating you to save up for the ultimate date to the land that speaks your new language!

And more – If you are interested in topics like history, culture, or politics, check with higher educational institutions for free lectures and seminars that are open to the public. Libraries often offer classes on topics that come up in daily life. From couponing (yes, that is now a verb) to financial issues to social media tutorials (you can be FaceBook friends with benefits!) there is something to snag the interest of everyone.

  • A twist on stay-at-home-movie night. You know that favorite show you have? The one you both like? The one you look forward to watching all week? Don’t watch it. At least not at the regularly scheduled time. Record it for three weeks. Three long weeks. Set the date for the marathon view. The deprivation heightens the anticipation. (Anybody who ever gave up sweets for Lent or “to make weight” for their sport knows what I’m talking about here.) The designated time finally arrives. You’re snuggled in with cheap snacks, phones off and three hours of viewing pleasure. Ahhh, sweet relief!

C’mon – admit it: you’re starting to actually get enthusiastic about date night! And we’ve just scratched the surface of cost-effective ways to have fun outings with your mate. Let’s meet back here next month with part three of this Date Your Mate series. Meanwhile, please keep those great free(ish) date ideas coming in the comment section below!

When to Dump the Date – 6 Red Flags

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You don’t have to make every relationship work. The whole point of dating is to get to know someone. Whether you’re looking for current companionship or an eventual long-term commitment, dating is an evaluation period. So evaluate.

If an aspect of the relationship makes you uncomfortable, don’t be quick toDead end dismiss it because you’re in serious like. Or because they have the cutest dimples you’ve ever seen. Or because your knees get a little jelly-like when you kiss. Gut reactions and hair rising on the back of the neck is a body’s way of trying to be heard over the noise of a palpitating heart. Listen. It might be trying to alert you to one of the following red flags that it’s time to date elsewhere.

  1. You’ve broken up and gotten back together more than twice. If you’re working that hard just to keep dating, how hard is it going to be to stay married if you take the next step?
  2. You are discussing getting counseling. I’m not talking pre-marital counseling as you approach wedlock or individual counseling for issues in your lives.  I’m talking about counseling to fix your dating relationship problems. Really? Couldn’t ‘relationship problems’ be an indication that you’re not a good long-term match? But, you may argue, I’ve already invested two years in this relationship. Well, let me ask you this: if for two years you contributed money to an investment account that consistently decreased in value, do you keep adding more money?  No – you’re not getting a return on your investment. You stop putting money in the draining account you donated to for two years and find a better place to invest. Your time, your future, your piece of mind are worthy of even more respect than your money.
  3. Your mate is a victim. The traffic made them late. The boss that fired them is incompetent. They’re on the outs with family members because they’re tired of being taken advantage of. They only argue because you provoke them. Ready for a lifetime of it’s-your-fault? Just stick around.
  4. It’s all about the physical. The ‘dates’ seldom include dinner and a movie. You are not included in other areas of their life and you haven’t met their family members or close friends. Umm, do I really need to elaborate further here?
  5. Questions are increasing. Where were you? Who were you with? How long were you there? Where else did you go?  These common questions could have a valid place in a healthy relationship. However, if you start feeling a little smothered, feeling that you have a third parent to account to, or feeling hair rise on the back of your neck when you are asked these questions yet again, know that the escalation of controlling behavior generally doesn’t reverse itself. Move on before the symptoms turn into disease.
  6. You become their incentive to get fixed. Problems with alcohol, drugs, gambling, or any other type of addiction should be a dating deal-breaker. And yet, you’re in love. You hear yourself utter the ultimatum: “If you don’t get help for your problem with [fill in the vice], I’m going to stop dating you.” NO, NO, NO. You have that backwards. Flip that sentence right around: “I am going to stop dating you. I hope you get help with your problem.”

I’m not saying it’s easy or painless to end a relationship with someone you care about. I’m saying it’s less difficult and less painful to snatch your hand back from the scorch of a candle flame than to avoid being consumed by a forest fire.

Evaluate. Be discerning. Dating is a time of exploration as you head toward a long-term relationship. Each experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. Take all those well-learned lessons and find a fit for you that has no flame-red flags.

What was the warning sign you picked up on that enabled you to avoid making a bad long-term decision? Was there a warning sign that you, unfortunately, missed or ignored? Please comment below.

Take the BAT out of the BATTLE

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The divorce is on. Not what you had planned when you said “I do” way back when. The hostility has grown to the point of avoiding even being in the same room together, let alone actually speaking to each other. Every communication takes multiple steps as it is relayed and translated throughPortrait of angry lady with a bat attorneys. Costs are mounting. Emotions are escalating. Both sides are suiting up – ready to play hardball. Family members, co-workers, neighbors are dragged into the game and renamed “witnesses.” Each side wields a heavy bat – ready to knock the other side clean out of the ballpark with a mighty swing.

How do we take that BAT out of the BATTLE?

One good option is enlisting the help of a trained, objective third party – a mediator – to help the parties resolve their differences through negotiation and creative problem-solving.  The process is called mediation. The mediator is not a decision-maker – he or she assists the parties in making their own decisions.

“Tell me one good reason that I should sit in the same room with that *#%! unreasonable spouse of mine whose face I can barely stand to look at right now and attempt to make agreements,” you say – probably while stamping your foot.

Well, I’ll give you five reasons. And they’re all good.

  1. Craft a resolution that is specific to your family. When you go to trial the ultimate outcome of each issue – custody, visitation, alimony, property division, etc. – will be decided by a judge you barely know and who does not know your children or your history. A good mediator will help you generate creative options that will lead to resolutions that make sense for your specific circumstances.
  2. Create physical distance between you and your spouse during the process. If things get heated, the mediator can have you and your spouse in separate rooms and the mediator can go back and forth between the rooms to assist you both in working toward resolution. You won’t get the same courtesy at the courthouse.
  3. Avoid the unknown. When you leave mediation with a settlement, you understand  the decisions and how they were made because you are one of the decision-makers. Going into a trial is a crapshoot – you don’t know how the judge will rule on any given issue or how long it will take you to get the ruling. And did I mention that decision-maker doesn’t know you, your children, or your history?
  4. Lessen the animosity. This is especially important if you have children. Often working together to reach a resolution that benefits the children makes it easier to live with the outcome than it would be if a judge dictated how often and when you see your children.
  5. Save money. Possibly a lot of money. If mediation is successful, no subpoenas have to be issued for witnesses, you don’t spend hours with your attorney preparing for trial testimony, and, more often than not, the process takes less time than a trial.
  6. Bonus. Witnesses are kept out of the fray and may resume their prior roles in your lives as friends and family.

The costs of mediation vary widely depending on the mediator and the area you live in. The same tips set forth in last month’s post How to Find a Divorce Lawyer could be used to find a good mediator.

If you are interested in getting you and your children through the difficult divorce process with less cost and chaos, try mediation. There is no 100% guarantee that you will reach a settlement in mediation. But there is a 100% guarantee with a trial that you won’t have a deciding vote in the outcome. It’s the end of the game, both parties are out, and bases are loaded with issues in conflict. Who do you want to take the final bat – you or an unknown?

If you have had an experience with mediation or have suggestions for using mediation, please let us know in the comment section below.

SHREW-B-GONE – The Product That Can Change Your Marriage

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I have invented a great product. If you buy this concept, you can revolutionize your marriage. You can turn a bickering household into a haven of peace. You will find yourself on the highroad of life.

Imagine this: he is putting away clean dishes and he asks where something goes.  I have several response options:

(1) Thanks for helping – it goes in the second drawer.

(2) I appreciate you asking instead of shoving it somewhere – it goes in the second drawer.

(3) (delivered after a sigh that would make a martyr feel like a whiner) It goes in the same place it has gone for the eleven years that we have lived in this house – in the second drawer.

In the old days, I would have used option three without a thought – in spite of the fact that it took twice as long (three times as long if you count the sigh) bigstock-Woman-Taking-Inhaler-12036983to deliver as the other two choices.  Now, before answering, I grab my Shrew-Be-Gone inhaler and suck deeply.  This innovative product forces logical thinking into the brain and sorts through options so quickly that the listener isn’t aware of a hesitation.  While inhaling from the apparatus questions like ‘Which response is more likely to result in him helping again?’ and ‘Which response is more likely to result in him not shoving the butter dish under the counter with the cooking trays?’ are processed in nanoseconds.

Now, women, I hear you saying: “OK – I admit it – this is a product that I could use. But do you have something for him?

You bet – the new and improved Snark-Off.

This simple patch sticks to any smooth portion of the body. It enables the wearer to answer questions the first time they’re asked – thus avoiding the raised voice on the third repeat question and the snarled “I heard you the first two times.”

In addition, it releases a response-time expander. This allows the mate to answer such questions as ‘What do you want for dinner?’ or ‘Where would you like to go?’ with more thoughtful answers. Something other than the standard ‘I don’t know’ or the famous ‘You pick’ – which we all know is pretend- consideration for the other and the equivalent of ‘I can’t be bothered putting any thought into it.’

Both products include an invisible adapter so they can be used by either gender.

Try one for 30 days and if it doesn’t change the atmosphere in your home I will give you a 100% refund of what you actually paid me for this product. Try both, and I’ll double that offer.

Do you have an invention to transform the dynamic between spouses? Pitch your product in the comment section below.