I have invented a great product. If you buy this concept, you can revolutionize your marriage. You can turn a bickering household into a haven of peace. You will find yourself on the highroad of life.
Imagine this: he is putting away clean dishes and he asks where something goes. I have several response options:
(1) Thanks for helping – it goes in the second drawer.
(2) I appreciate you asking instead of shoving it somewhere – it goes in the second drawer.
(3) (delivered after a sigh that would make a martyr feel like a whiner) It goes in the same place it has gone for the eleven years that we have lived in this house – in the second drawer.
In the old days, I would have used option three without a thought – in spite of the fact that it took twice as long (three times as long if you count the sigh) to deliver as the other two choices. Now, before answering, I grab my Shrew-Be-Gone inhaler and suck deeply. This innovative product forces logical thinking into the brain and sorts through options so quickly that the listener isn’t aware of a hesitation. While inhaling from the apparatus questions like ‘Which response is more likely to result in him helping again?’ and ‘Which response is more likely to result in him not shoving the butter dish under the counter with the cooking trays?’ are processed in nanoseconds.
Now, women, I hear you saying: “OK – I admit it – this is a product that I could use. But do you have something for him?
You bet – the new and improved Snark-Off.
This simple patch sticks to any smooth portion of the body. It enables the wearer to answer questions the first time they’re asked – thus avoiding the raised voice on the third repeat question and the snarled “I heard you the first two times.”
In addition, it releases a response-time expander. This allows the mate to answer such questions as ‘What do you want for dinner?’ or ‘Where would you like to go?’ with more thoughtful answers. Something other than the standard ‘I don’t know’ or the famous ‘You pick’ – which we all know is pretend- consideration for the other and the equivalent of ‘I can’t be bothered putting any thought into it.’
Both products include an invisible adapter so they can be used by either gender.
Try one for 30 days and if it doesn’t change the atmosphere in your home I will give you a 100% refund of what you actually paid me for this product. Try both, and I’ll double that offer.
Do you have an invention to transform the dynamic between spouses? Pitch your product in the comment section below.