As we head into June, one of the most romantic months of the year, you may be trying to decide whether to pop the question or how to answer the question that was popped. You may be feeling that almost everything is wonderful about the relationship – with just a few small exceptions. Well, we know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage – if things are 85{2303b849a176fc4c55cbcb5b49f44c0b6a86ba83e746fb3d962701d1b8d54085} wonderful and you feel that will certainly take care of the 15{2303b849a176fc4c55cbcb5b49f44c0b6a86ba83e746fb3d962701d1b8d54085} that presents more challenge, you’re probably right. But here are a few things to think about that may seem small right now, but have potential to drastically change those percentages in the future.
1. Hints of a dual personality. Sometimes we’re so busy being flattered by how special the courting treatment is that we don’t notice the “other face” of the one we love. The one shared with family members or old friends. Is the potential life-mate who is considerate and humble with you arrogant or routinely snarky with others? Does confidence erode to a troublesome eagerness to please with certain family members?
2. How they handle the little stressers. Say you arrive at a restaurant for an anticipated lovely evening. But the hostess insists you don’t have a reservation and she won’t be able to seat you. Does natural frustration turn into rage? If the response is over the top, embarrassing, or deeply disrespectful, try to imagine their reaction if the stakes are higher – such as with finances, children or loss.
3. The difference in values or moral foundation seems to be expanding. Differences can be good – they can make things interesting. But with core values? Not so much. Sometimes when people are crazy in love, they don’t want to probe too deeply regarding differences. After all, why borrow trouble before an issue actually arises? But things like the definition of an affair, whether or not children are raised with religion and other touchy topics that go to your core values should absolutely be discussed before anybody says “I do.” And those aren’t things to fight about – differences don’t necessarily mean one of you is wrong and the other is right. But it could mean that long-term compatibility will be problematic.
4. Too much drama. No matter how much fun making up is, a lot of prior breakin’ up and makin’ up doesn’t bode well for marital longevity.
5. You settle for the lowest common denominator. Partners should lift each other up, bring out the best in each other and have the best interest of the other in mind. You’ve heard “two out of three ain’t bad,” right? That doesn’t apply here. No matter how incredible you and your partner are at two, if that third element isn’t present it is time to blink the stars out of your eyes.
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good suggestions!
Love these Shel, everyone should read this before they take the plunge.
Thanks, Kath! Hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Well done, Shel!
Thanks, Marylin!
Number 2 is big. Great list, Shel!
Good One Shel!!
*Shell
Great advice She’ll. especially the last one.
Thanks, Elle – it’s so easy to view red flags through rose-covered glasses and think they’re only pink!
That’s a wise checklist. ..definitely big red flags. And the 85/15 idea? Definitely true. Perfect marriages don’t exist. To me, perfect…or the appearance of it, anyway, suggests a lack of substance and true feeling.
I agree, Lisa – the mask of perfection usually covers up real problems.
Good advice as always.
Thanks, Louise!
Very Very true ! Why couldn’t i have read this many years ago.
You had lessons to learn, Shaundre – so glad you’re in a good place now!