How to Get His Ex to Hate You

Posted by: Shel 11 Comments


How to Get His Ex to Hate YouBeing the second wife can sometimes be a challenge. Especially when the new husband comes with children. As a Family Law Attorney, I’ve seen this handled two different ways. The easiest path, and the one that causes the least harm to the children, is if the adults act in a mature fashion and are civil to each other. Even if his ex-wife starts out hating you, consistent civility could eventually bring her around.

Acting mature, however, makes no sense if your goal is to make sure the ex knows your husband traded up on the wife ladder. If you are self-focused with the primary goal of making his former’s life miserable – regardless of the cost to the children – then read on to learn step-by-step how to ensure that his ex hates you.

1. Cut the children’s hair. If it’s a boy with curls, lop them off. If the girl has beautiful long, straight hair, give her bangs.  This is sure to infuriate her. You get the added benefit of creating trepidation in the children as they head back to their mother’s house knowing the negative reaction that will follow their arrival.

2. Have the children call you “mom.” Bonus points if you can get them to refer to their mother by her first name. She’ll soon learn that you don’t just have the man; you have the kids, too. Don’t worry about the confusion it causes the children – they need to toughen up sometime.

3. Send the children back to her house in dirty clothes. Preferably something they have slightly outgrown and/or has a rip or missing button. If she doesn’t like to see them that way, she can just buy them some new stuff – again. The kids might have a little discomfort for a while, but that’s a small price to pay for her having to shell out a few more bucks.

4. Insist that your husband not give an inch when he wants to compromise with her about visitation schedules. Flexibility is not an option. Make sure she knows that you were behind the decision so that she knows who is really running the show.

5. Insist that the children have the phone on “speaker” when they talk to their mother from your house. That, of course, is at times when you actually let them take the call. Most of the time cell phones should be confiscated during their visit to inhibit unfettered communication with their mother. You might have to fabricate grievances so you can justify this action by claiming you are disciplining them.

6. If a special medication is sent with the child, “forget” to send it back. If the child’s condition worsens on her watch, you can use that later to show what a neglectful mother she is. Besides, a missed dose or two never – well, rarely – killed a kid.

7. Make sure the child is exposed to profanity. This is easily accomplished by allowing access to off-color TV shows and bawdy radio disk jockeys, or by encouraging the child to be present when his father is working on something frustrating. If you catch them when they are young enough, these kids are sure to carry the new vocabulary home. Greetings, Mom – from my house to yours!

8. Make sure you are first on the emergency call list at the child’s school. If you get to fill out the paperwork, leave Mother’s name off of it. That additional space can be used for another friend of yours – or maybe your own mother’s. A side benefit to this is that if your husband ever has to go back to court (and chances are he will if you are following these clever tips), you can prove how the school always calls you first if the child has a problem – even before his own mother.

9. Make sure you volunteer to be on every field trip, every classroom party, and anywhere else that she might pop up to spend time with her children. You don’t want her to forget how prominent you are in her children’s lives.

10. Most importantly, make sure you speak negatively about her to or in front of the children. It doesn’t have to be true to be effective. And don’t just limit yourself to verbal putdowns. Rolling your eyes when they quote her, having the theme for the wicked witch be her ringtone, and throwing out notes they give you from her without reading them are all examples of showing disdain without saying a word. The kids will get the message. If you work hard enough and long enough at this, they just might stop mentioning her in your house.

Now remember: in order for this plan to succeed you must complete each step regardless of how much distress it causes the children. You must persevere through the arguments this will probably cause between you and your spouse as he sees the negative effect on his children and deals with increasing numbers of angry emails and phone calls from his ex. You may even be lonely for a while if this behavior leads to the break-up of your marriage. But you will always have the knowledge that while it lasted you successfully made her life miserable.

Related article: 5 More Ways to Get His Ex to Hate You

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  • This list breaks my heart, but only because I know how true it is. When adults act like children, it’s the real little ones that suffer.

    • Shel Harrington

      I agree, Susan – and it’s a burden kids shouldn’t have to carry! Thanks so much for stopping by!

    • Shel Harrington

      By the way, I didn’t see a place to comment, but I enjoyed your website – especially “First Love”!

  • Unfortunately people pull this stuff all of the time…so sad. I think #10 has always bothered me the most.

    • Shel Harrington

      I agree, Jill – the negative talk can really leave scars.

  • What a horrible list!!! Good work, Shel. It’s so true and so sad.

    • Shel Harrington

      It is sad, Luanne. Seeing Gina’s comments (she’s a psychologist who frequently works with children and parents during divorce), I clearly missed a few – I might have to do an addendum.

  • Gina

    Oh my gosh, you’ve done it again. Here’s some others: not only volunteer for every field trip, but also every class party, be home room mother, and most importantly, run for PTA President. This works especially well if bio mom works outside the home. It really shoves it in her face! If the court orders that you not be called “Mom,” simply tweak it to “Mommy Shel.” Let the 13-yr old get her nipples pierced or find a way to get her a tattoo. There are backstreet tattoo parlors who will skip past the law. Spank the child (knowing bio mom is against corporal punishment) and then deny it. Seen them all.

    • Shel Harrington

      I thought I had a pretty comprehensive list, Gina – until I saw your response. How could I forget things like piercings and tattoos – the other stuff is only temporary! Clearly an addendum is needed – thanks!

  • Great list. From what I’ve seen, these are all spot on!

    • Shel Harrington

      Thanks, Sheila – I know you’ve probably seen your share of the drama!

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